OK, just a quick rant before I’m off to bed.  For those of you who know me (BA, LP), this will be an old rant finalized in digital form.

I went and saw “Hancock” Saturday.  Not a bad film, could’ve been longer, decent story, and I have yet to see a Will Smith movie that I absolutely didn’t like.

However, I saw (and I’m not kidding) EVERY ACTION SEQUENCE in the movie – except for one, and there was a bit of it even -  in the trailers, or the previews, that I was inundated with over the previous few weeks.  It was silly.  There were people in the audience laughing, oohing, aaahing, etc. over these well-done parts of the story that a guy should absolutely love in a superhero film.  Me?  Nuthin’.  Nada.  Seen it.  It was RIDICULOUS.

I noticed it beginning with the first Fantastic Four movie (if you see a trend here, you’re right).  I walked out of that one with the same feeling.  Very anticlimactic.

When Iron Man trailers started appearing THREE MONTHS before the movie was release, I quickly started a habit of changing the channel whenever a preview came on, and thankfully, I was able to enjoy the movie, and it’s a great one.

Luckily, Marvel put The Incredible Hulk and Iron Man so close together in release dates that they didn’t have time to show me every action sequence in the Hulk.  That would’ve been disappointing, too.

I’ve already settled on the fact that I’ll know every explosion, fight, and flight of the Dark Knight before it comes out next week.  I hope it’s a long film.

Do me a favor, Hollywood.  Stop the madness.  Keep the movie in the theater.  Thanks.

So, a few weeks ago, I shot an 83 at a local golf course.  A very difficult golf course.  I played out of my mind, and got a few breaks, but mostly, I found my golf swing, which gave me a great deal of confidence.  (keep in mind that I rarely break – that’s shoot below – 90 for 18 holes)  Soon after that, I found myself struggling.  Mightily.  I’ve had a couple of good rounds, and mind you, I still only play about 18 holes a week, which doesn’t mean I will ever go for my PGA tour card, but I’d like to think I can break 90 regularly if my swing is consistent.

I always tell people that 90 percent of my game is half mental.  That’s a Yogi Berra quote, and it’s funny, but it’s true.  The worst part of my golf game has ALWAYS been my brain.  My body knows exactly what to do, and I’m a better golfer than I believe I am, but my brain refuses to follow along, so I struggle, and it all kinda snowballs, and I end up not having fun at all.

So last night at league, I shot a 57 for nine holes, or 21 over par.  Which means I averaged a little over a double-bogey per hole.  While I did par a hole in the midst of the carnage, I went home doing my best not to be down on myself and basically trying to figure out the root cause of all of this, simply because I KNOW I can play golf pretty darn well, it just hasn’t been happening here lately.

The usual suspects appeared.  Fear of failure.  Fear of rejection (whether my golfing colleagues actually make fun of me or not, there always seems to be a perception in me that they’re not approving of me when I play badly.  In this case, I know perception is not reality, but mostly in my brain, not my heart).  But I believe God took me deeper during my waking moments this morning.  There’s a deep-seated belief in me that I can’t handle failure, or rejection, or in this case, a bad round of golf and the ensuing results from it. 

So, when I’m standing over the ball about to swing, I’m basically thinking, “please don’t screw this up…I can’t handle a bad shot here”, or even “my world will end if I don’t hit this right” (that’s what it feels like).  Basically, it’s a totally negative mind-set rather than the positive one that is needed and really is supposed to be there.  This thinking, as you can imagine, can severely screw up a golf swing.  The body tenses, control is lost, and voila!  bad golf swing, ball goes nowhere good, etc.

In my cocooned existence (which I’ve blogged about before), I guess, along the way, I developed a belief, consciously and subconsciously, that (a) life is always supposed to be rosy, and (b) if it’s not, then I fall apart, and I’m SUPPOSED to fall apart, and go running to mommy to make it all better.  This is not how God raises men.  This is not how men are wired.  This is not how life is supposed to be, nor how we’re supposed to react to it.

Life requires balance.  If life is always rosy and happy, then we become numb and comfortable, and soft (hello…).  If life is constantly filled with pain and hardship, then we become hard and bitter.  And, if we aren’t constantly grasping for material things or status or love or acceptance, and instead “letting the game come to us”, then God will allow the right balance of pain and joy, good times and hard times, to allow us to grow healthy and strong in Him.  Life should never be based on circumstances, nor on our ability to evade them or control them, but instead on God’s love for us and His unconditional acceptance of us.

But worse than this, in my case, is the belief that not only is life supposed to be rosy and free of pain, but I can’t handle it if life is not.  I’ve gotten the first part of this in the past and understood it, as explained in this post,  but never quite got to the second, deeper part.  I’ve been reading in The Way of The Wild Heart by Eldredge that boys and men (especially the group that he calls “unfinished men” – men that have missed the important stages of growing up) need to be initiated; brought into and through situations that will help them grow and learn that they do have what it takes.  It is not enough just to tell them, they/we must learn it for ourselves by doing.  I understand that.  But, if a message of “You can’t handle that” is sown into the heart before the initiation, it’s very much like slapping a person down and then demanding that they rise up.  I’ve seen/used the analogy before of throwing a CD player/boom box to the ground, watching it shatter into many different broken pieces, then demanding that it play music.  It just doesn’t work.

So, I’m not asking for God to simply sow the message of “you have what it takes” into my heart without initiating me in some way.  I believe wholeheartedly that learning is by doing, and confidence comes along with it, and it has nothing to do with success or failure…

“Hmph…Try not.  Do, or do not.  There is no try.”
-Yoda

But, I AM asking Him to remove the lie of “you can’t handle this” before any initiation takes place, which I believe He’s been very patient with me about.  Because, when I’m driven by my fears, I use and twist the good things in my life (a good round of golf, any talent I have as a musician, etc.) from simply good things that He has given me, to things that I use to keep me from suffering and pain and keep me insulated from failure and rejection.  As a result, my life slowly goes out of balance, and my soul and my heart become unhealthy and weak.  As a result of trying to further MY kingdom in this life, I’ve missed HIS and the abundant life that comes along with it.

One final note.  I want to thank livingpalm’s hubby B for some words he gave me a few months ago.  He told me that there’s a difference between WOUNDS and SINS.  What I’m dealing with here is NOT SIN.  It’s a WOUND, or a SERIES of wounds sown by the enemy, my flesh, and the world.  When I’m standing over the golf ball, I’m not wanting to pound my opponent into the ground or pridefully use my success to gloat over others.  I’m desperately, in my heart, wanting to have fun, I just really struggle with it, because I don’t know how, because of all of the reasons stated above.

Father, please continue to father me.  Pour Yourself into me.  I long for the words from You that You love me, You have confidence in me, even when I don’t have any in myself.  Please help me to realize that there are lies from the enemy sown within me, and that I CAN handle whatever You have planned for me, and that I have no reason to make plans for myself to avoid YOUR plans.  Thank You for being You.

 

If you look at my “About Me” page, you’ll notice that I like to golf, play music, and paintball.  Well, this week, I pulled off the trifecta.  Golf league Monday and Tuesday nights, a captain and crew golf tournament on Wednesday, band practice Wednesday night, worship team practice Thursday night at church, paintball at EMR in New Milford, PA all day yesterday with 31 fellow employees.  Good times.  Most of the guys who had never played before actually moved around and played with some strategy, in contrast to the typical “noob” who dives behind a bunker and stays there because they’re afraid of being shot.

By Thursday morning at work, I was feeling quite dead – I happen to be in possibly the worst physical shape of my life.  But today, or this morning at least, I’m feeling stronger, like my body is remembering, “oh, OK, the more you USE the muscles, the stronger they GET.”

With that said, the most I’m going to do today is laundry and read some more in The Way of the Wild Heart by Eldredge.  Partly because it’s more healthy for me than TV, and partly because we are in the dark times:  that dreaded season of the year between the end of the NBA season and the start of the college football season when there’s absolutely NOTHING worth watching on TV.  And yes, all you baseball fans out there…I realize your passion, I just don’t share it.  Don’t hate me.  I’ll go to a ballpark and watch a baseball game anytime, I just can’t stand it on TV.  And, I’d watch golf, but all they’ll be talking about is Tiger Woods’ knee and how his absence will affect the game.  The guy is beginning to appear omnipresent, and that scares me a little.

Have a great weekend!

So, I’m reading “The Way of the Wild Heart” by John Eldredge this morning.  The book splits up a boy’s/man’s life into stages.  The early part of the book, the part I’m in, is the “Beloved Son” stage…

Actions speak louder than words.  I love being with you.  You are my delight.  I’ll set aside my own agenda to be with you doing something you love.  I love who you are, love what you love.  You get special time with me.  This is how we raise Beloved Sons.

Oh, my God, my Father, how I long to hear this, experience this with You, this essential part of life that has been kept from me.

And then…

boys…need two basic messages then they are growing up:  you are loved more than you can possibly imagine, and, You are not the center of the universe.  Without the first, a boy will grop up insecure, uncertain, looking for love and finding it difficult to believe that he is worthy of being loved, even by God.  Without the second, he will grow up selfish and self-centered, assuming that everyone else’s agenda bows to his own.  No doubt you know both sorts of men.

Well, if you know me, then you DO know both sorts of men, because I’m both.

Then things started to hit me, sort of domino-effect style…

Is music really my heart’s desire, or am I simply fitting Christian (and secular) rock and roll, the band, worship, you name it, into the religious music mold my Mother forced upon me when I was young?

What have I really done in my life that I really WANTED to do, instead of feeling like I HAD to do it?

Is God really FOR me, or is He forcing me into some kind of religious mold that He has crafted me for?

Answers:

Music is my hearts’ desire, but I’ve always felt like I’ve HAD to do it, and it’s felt like I’ve been forced to in order to gain God’s acceptance, instead of being a gift to bless HIM with.  How do I do it just for fun?  For worship?  For love?

And another thing.  I’ve heard God saying lately, “Stop trying so hard.  Sit still and let me bless you.”  Sound familiar?  Read Ps. 46:10.

More to come, I’m sure.  Good book…

My Momma said,
You can’t hurry love
No, you’ll just have to wait
She said “love don’t come easy,
“Well, it’s a game of give and take”.

-You Can’t Hurry Love, The Supremes, 1966

Being a child of the 80’s, I naturally prefer the Phil Collins version and downloaded it onto my iPod this week, but for actual quote sake, I defer to the Supremes, who originally recorded the song, just in case some of you out there would assume that I thought that Phil recorded the original. 

(useless trivia:  Here in the US, the Supremes version reached #1, the Phil version reached #10; In the UK, the Phil version reached #1, while the Supremes version reached #10)

But I digress.  I put those lyrics here to disagree with them.  I don’t believe it’s a “game of give and take”, per se.  And while I’m probably splitting hairs here, I believe it’s (1) not a game, and (2) it’s about give and receive, NOT take.

First point:  If it’s a game, then I’m out.  I’ve played enough games in my life with relationships.  If you like me/love me, good, let’s go.  If you don’t, that’s OK, too, but don’t try to manipulate me into liking or loving you, or try to make me believe that if I do a, b, and c, then you’ll love me.  Been there, done that, had enough.  God isn’t like that towards us, and we shouldn’t be like that towards each other, either.  I’ve blogged about it before, love is unconditional.  It has nothing to do with what a person does, but everything (and only) to do with who a person is.  This goes for agape and romantic love – being “in love” - as well.  If it’s a game, it’s not love.  No games, please.

Second point:  If you have to take it, or feel like you have to take it, or are constantly trying to take it, it’s not love.  I’ve blogged about this too, continually it seems – I’m a recovering approval addict.  Constantly wrestling with the belief that if I want love, I have to earn it, take it, get it by any means at my disposal – my abilites, talents, personality, etc….all used to gain the love and approval of others.  Enough.  But here’s the main point:  if you (or I) are constantly, frantically at times, reaching for, grasping for, or manipulating love from others (or under the false belief that we have to do these things to get it from God as well), we/I can’t receive it.  I’m frequently finding myself in the “take” mode.  As a result, over time, love becomes a thing to be taken from others, so when genuine, unconditional love comes along, it’s foreign, feels wrong – like the heart (and maybe the flesh) is saying, “that’s not love – I can’t earn it, can’t control it.”  And as a continued result, isn’t received.  Receiving love requires being in a content, calm place in life, knowing that I’m God’s child and I don’t have to earn a thing – this makes us able to receive it from others when it’s given.

So, it’s a cool song and a catchy lyric, but not quite accurate, thank God.

Quiet minds cannot be perplexed or frightened but go on in fortune or misfortune at their own private pace, like a clock during a thunderstorm.

-Robert Louis Stevenson

In the past year, I’d like to think I’ve grown spiritually and emotionally, thanks to what God has done and is doing in my life.  But even as I type those words, I’m struck again at how I’m moving away from the place of “God, do something in my life!  Help me!” to “God, just be near me, talk with me, and I will listen, and I’ll put in the effort - time, most importantly – to help our relationship grow.”  Like I said in my last post, our relationship with God (and others) “fixes us”, He doesn’t just “zap” us.

And, the more I look at my own life, the more I realize that the REAL problem all of these years is that I haven’t seen God correctly.  Haven’t known His love.  Haven’t known HIM.  REALLY known HIM.  Isn’t that why people turn to other things to satisfy themselves or fill the hole inside?  My friend C over at Taste The Sea told me one day to “visualize/imagine my perfect Dad.  That’s who God is.”  I agree.  He is.  He’s perfect.  He’s loving.  He provides wisdom to make it through every circumstance – even if we get hurt, it’s because He sees that it is needed in our life at that time, and it’s still the best thing.  He loves us with an everlasting, never-ending, overpowering, awe-inspiring, never-abandoning, always forgiving, perfect love.  Why do we ever stray?  BECAUSE WE DON’T SEE HIM THAT WAY SOMETIMES.  The eyes of our heart get cataracts, and He seems gray and cloudy and distant.  He hasn’t changed.  We have.  He doesn’t change.  WE do.  There are days, hours, moments, minutes, seconds, where we lose our guard, make bad decisions, and stray away from Him.  Then we come to the end of ourselves, realize we made a bad turn in the road somewhere, and hopefully return to the only One who can restore us.  And this restoration is not just about getting back into relationship with HIM, it’s about breathing LIFE back into our SOULS VIA the relationship.  It’s about making life worth LIVING again.

But, good grief, isn’t He the best deal going?  I mean, really!

When things like poker, golf, worship, music, and other things in my life become more about doing them well and acheiving recognition or acceptance by them than about being in relationships with people or doing these things just because I love doing them, He’s still there, waiting to heal my hurting soul and restore me.  He reminds me constantly of how I don’t need to do ANYTHING, or do anything WELL to be loved by Him.  What an AWESOME covenant!  What a great place and environment to facilitate my growth as His child!  What an AWESOME Father that continually encourages to do the things we LOVE to do, the things our hearts desire!

I learned this past weekend that my ex Brother-in-law was killed in a car accident Friday night.  I am very sad for my ex-wife’s family, they’ve had SO MUCH happen to them over their lifespan.  I also learned that my ex-wife has remarried.  The enemy came straight in and started whispering, “see, SHE can get married, why can’t YOU?!  YOU were the problem, not HER!  No wonder she divorced you.”  And God was right there, just waiting for me to listen to the still small voice in my heart rather than the noise in my brain.  Once I quieted down, and listened, it was all good.

That’s another thing about His love:  CONSTANCY.  CONSISTENCY.  Whatever.  It’s constant.  It’s like our hearts are continually plugged into the socket as long as we don’t waver and pull the plug.  Wait, no, it’s not like that.  We can’t pull the plug.  We just get to a place sometimes in our lives where we don’t BELIEVE that our hearts are plugged in.  We don’t see it.  So we go looking for other power sources when all we need is already there.  And that’s the real problem.  Belief.  Unbelief, rather.  Is God really enough?  Really?  I believe that all of our problems in life stem out of a belief that God isn’t enough.  That He really doesn’t love us like that.  That He isn’t who He says He is.  That we aren’t who He says we are.  When we’re complete and secure in His love and His promises, we don’t stray.  We don’t go looking for other power sources, other sources of love.  We stay out of “trouble”, because we recognize that when compared with God, it’s nothing BUT trouble.

The Beatles had it right:  “All You Need Is Love”.  It’s all we’re really searching for at the end of the day.  God is love.  Why go searching for love in other places when it’s already there?  Why continue to strive and struggle and clamor for things or attitudes or self-help ideas that will make us a better person when God loves us just as we are?  If we aren’t mature, stable, secure-in-His-love people, it’s because we don’t BELIEVE we are.  The more our belief grows, the more we grow, and the more mature and secure we become.

It’s troubling/amazing/funny what I do when hurt enters into my life, or when I’m dealing with past hurts.  First thing is to turn to my flesh; take control of the situation, do something – anything – to get rid of the pain.  In the past, it was porn or a relationship.  Then it was people/my friends, as in the unhealthy needing of them and putting burdens on them that they were never meant to bear.  Or just looking to them for answers that will bring an end to the hurt inside.  Again, people aren’t wired to provide that.

As I’ve grown, I’ve learned that (duh) God is the only place to turn.  He’s the only One that can even begin to come close to providing healing.  But even in that, there’s an unhealthy and useless exercise that can arise.  In asking for healing, or simply to take the pain away, what am I really asking for?  Feelings?  Emotional healing?  Is God going to give me that?  Nope.

“What?” you may be asking.  “Doesn’t God love us and want us to turn to Him always for healing?”  Well, yes.  And no.  He wants relationship with us.  Period.  Peace is a by-product, a fruit, of our relationship with Him.  He’s not a heavenly gumball machine that goes around dispensing peace and love and all that.  All of that stuff happens naturally when we’re in deep communion and relationship with Him.  That’s the last step that I miss sometimes.  I want the fruit, the quick fix – so I can get on with life – but not the relationship.  How’s that fair?  I mean, the guy DIED for me, for cryin’ out loud, and I still want all of the benefits and none of the “work” (is that the right word?) of being in relationship with Him.  How can I “get on with my life” without Him anyway?  It’s just not going to “work”.

The best part?  He knows this.  In fact, honestly, I think I’ve blogged about this before.  He knows that too.  He’s a lot more patient with me than I am.  I wonder sometimes if I’m going in cycles for months at a time, coming back to the same conclusions.  And there He is, telling me the same things again and getting me back on track.  Hopefully, I’m continuing to grow somewhere in all this running around.

Life has quieted down lately.  Too much.  The last two nights, I have decided there was nothing on TV (shocker), and decided to be still and listen to my Dad.  My “new” Dad as I’m learning to call Him.  The Dad I’ve always had.  (hmph…rhymes even)  The Dad that’s always been there and knows that without a doubt that I need to learn to relax and be still.  No Bible study, no self-help books or amazing Ted Dekker stories, just sit and get still and listen.

And man, is this hard.  Wanna know why?  Because every time I get quiet, I realize how much pain I’m in, and how stressed out I am striving each day to acquire love and acceptance in order to neutralize the pain.  Yes, it’s true, America, Zeph hurts.  I know I’m shattering images people have of me with this post. 

These wounds have been swirling around in my gut for quite some time; if you’ve read my blog, you know them.  ‘Nuff said.  How can my new Dad heal me of these wounds if I never acknowledged their existence?  Hell, for that matter, I haven’t even known that these programmings and pain weren’t normal!  The human body and mind and soul can take quite a beating, it would seem, and still be able to function semi-normally, when crap is “seen” as “normal”.

I’ve been asked at least a half-dozen times at work in the last week, “hey, Neil, you OK?  You look…” <insert “sober”, “weary”, “tired”, etc. here>.  I guess I’ll just have to live with it and stop saying, “I’m just tired” and start saying, “I’m working through some stuff” or something.  Can’t people just let me hurt once in a while?  Or, is that a statement of how cheerful I normally am, or even can genuinely be at times?  Let’s go with the latter.  It’s more positive, sheds a better outlook on things.  Or, hey, maybe they’re genuinely concerned.  I guess that’s possible, I’m just having trouble seeing it through the grid lately.

Even with all that, it’s still good.  At least I’m not thinking and believing that I’m worthless and an irreparable screw-up anymore.  I realize that I’m loved dearly, and there’s a lot of stuff that isn’t my fault, and I’m just hurting, and it’s OK to hurt, etc.  Dad knows what He’s doing.

There have been more revelations in the past weeks of what I’ve missed in my life.  More parental mistakes discovered, more mishandling of my wounds understood.  God is definitely working, and I’m thankful.  I just felt that blogging about them all would be…well…petty.  My parents did the best they could, and my ex-wife was far too wounded to be able to act on anything but that wound and that pain.  This is not making excuses for them, just realizing that hurt people hurt people.

The bigger revelation was God pointing out that I felt ashamed about all of it.  Most of my life.  Like it wasn’t supposed to happen to ME.  Not ME.  I’m too…what’s the word?…good?…to be involved in heartache, pain, addiction, all of that.  It’s like I was taught growing up that it’s, well, shameful (!) to have bad things happen to you.  And, worse yet, being taught that people should be ashamed for letting those bad things in life happen to them, or being involved in drugs or alcohol or umarried sex or any of that.

So God, in His wisdom, has simply being saying to me over and over again:  “It’s OK.”  “I can handle it.”  “It doesn’t matter.”  “Learn from the mistakes.”  “I love you so much, anyway.”  “It’s not shameful.  It’s life.  It’s learning how to live, how to truly live and breathe from the heart that’s inside you, and it’s impossible to learn unless you make mistakes.  Nobody gets it right the first time.”

I’ve said it many times in this blog, but it’s finally hitting home.  Home…a song by Daughtry that InsideOut has added to our song pool lately, although it sounds like all of the other songs on his album (my only criticism – I really liked him on “Idol”), the lyrics hit home with me (no pun intended) in the past week:

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I’ve not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don’t know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

There it is.  That’s it.  He always gives me another try.  A second, third, fourth, 50th, 1,738th chance.  The well doesn’t have a bottom.  His love doesn’t run out.  When I’m repentant, when I’m ready to try again, He’s behind me encouraging me, and in front of me leading me.  I think that’s why I’ve been “stuck” for so long.

My folks and my ex never gave me a first chance.  There was nothing I could’ve done to gain their approval of me, mainly because they didn’t love themselves or know that God loved them.

But it’s OK.  Stuff happens.  Jesus has done everything necessary to gain God’s approval, and He always gives more chances to grow…NOT “get it right”, just…grow.

And that’s the lesson for this season.  My past, my hurts, my mistakes, they’re all part of life.  It’s OK.  God’s bigger.  His love is bigger.  He’s always waiting, watching, pursuing me.  And I love Him.  He’s the best Dad I’ve ever had, and ever will.  And I’m glad to have Him and call Him my Father.