Posted by: zephaniah317 | April 24, 2007


A couple of things on my mind this evening.

First, a HUGE point that I realized Sunday during my pastor’s sermon (thanks, Pastor C):  God didn’t give us the ten commandments and all these other do’s and don’ts in the Bible to perform so we could gain His acceptance.  He gave them to us so we could live abundantly.  His acceptance is a gift that we receive; the “rules” are simply His advice on how to live abundantly and happily in this mess we call life.  I know I’ve heard this a lot in the past 5 years or so as I’ve continued in my walk towards finding out who God really is, but I’d never heard it put in quite that context before.  Very refreshing.  The re-programming continues.

Second, boy, is my flesh ugly.  Self-righteous, condemning and judgemental towards others.  My heart feels like stone.  Separatist.  Aloof.  Prideful.  More concerned with saving myself than concerned with others salvation.  Very little coming out of me in terms of “streams of living water”.

And compounding all of this (here come the excuses, sorry), I learned all of this AT HOME AND IN CHURCH!  Very frustrating.  I’ve been deceived all my life.  It’s like I’ve believed that my flesh is the way to go, the thing to follow, all this time.  More important to look good than to be real.  Very frustrating.  To the point where there are days where I just can’t seem to calm down.  There’s this war inside of me constantly, fighting the programming, then fighting the re-programming.  Forsaking the teachings of my childhood, my parents.  Leaving their numbing shelter for the real world where I can do some good, help others, love those who God calls me to.  It feels so wrong, this leaving home, going out into the wilderness, but when I actually do make progress, there is peace like I’ve never known.  And progress means forsaking the teaching without getting angry.  If there’s anger, then there’s no progress.  I end up right where I was.  It actually seems easier at this point to love than to protect.  Less work.  Strange…

I have hope, though.  God will not leave me here.  He is here, right now, while my fingers are moving across the keyboard.  He will not leave my heart imprisoned, unloving, uncaring, selfish.  He will give me a heart of flesh.  It’s just gonna take time.  Too long for my caring, but that’s the deal.  🙂


  1. Yo Bro-

    Thanks for the honest post. Some days I feel like you are writing my I feel the frustration in a similar way. For me it is a lack of caring, and concern for others. My moments of caring, where I am actual experiencing “that Peace” seems more fleeting than constant. Keep on “keeping on” man.

  2. That same point hit the bulls-eye for me on Sunday, too. Wowee, wow,wow,wow have I missed God’s character and goodness in so much of my life! Thanks again for a great post.

  3. Thanks again for your honesty and for pointing in the right direction!
    I’ve given you an award…come and see!

  4. Wow…an award? Thanks, IL. It means a lot to me, and your blog does too.

  5. […] of the words coming from the stage.  I’m just being honest from where I am in my learning/re-programming right now.  Some moments of the festival reminded me of the church and the background I grew up […]

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