Posted by: zephaniah317 | May 10, 2007

Perspective

I remember a point in my marriage where things were probably approaching their worst if they weren’t already there.  And my wife wasn’t happy.  At all.  And I remember asking her to try something.  I asked her to stop condemning me and our marriage for what they weren’t, and start accepting me and our marriage for what they were, right where they were at, and working from there.  The alternative method never works.  I was finding that out very quickly.

So this morning, I feel as if God’s saying, “Why don’t you do that with yourself?”

“The chase” that I’ve so often spoken of has been in high gear lately.  Life is full.  I’d really like to take a vacation, but I don’t have a lot of hours saved up at work as a result of the Excellent Adventure in February.  I’m tired.  Emotionally.  The chase is taking a toll.

But something happened this morning.  Not necessarily an epiphany, but something important, nonetheless.  I get the feeling that I’ve been lied to.  God’s not in front of me, like someone I have to chase each day for acceptance.  He’s BEHIND me, supporting, loving, caring, watching out for me.  Something I’ve never experienced in my human relationships (not everybody else’s fault – see the title of this post).

It’s like He’s saying, “hey…I’m back here.”  Not yelling, screaming, anything like that.  Is this the still small voice I read about, heard about?  I guess.  Kinda cool…but unbelief is there, lurking about, stealing my peace.

It feels like a tug of war.  Believe me, I’m good at performing for acceptance, however fleeting it may be.  So, on one end, there’s a drivenness calling out, “just do this today, you’ll find peace”, and on the other end, the still, small voice saying, “come back here and find rest.”  I know the drivenness is a lie.  In my head.

So back to the original thought.  “Why don’t I do that with myself?”  Hmm…well, because I need to change.  If I don’t change, I won’t…be…accepted…OK, hang on a minute.  Maybe I AM having another Epiphany today.  My problem isn’t that there’s so many things wrong with me.  My problem is that I don’t love and accept myself right where I’m at, “warts and all”, just like God does.  God doesn’t fix people before He loves them.  God’s love fixes people.  My head hurts…

God, please don’t “help” me “do” anything today.  Just stay right there.  I’m comin’…

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Responses

  1. What a great post! What He is doing in you is amazing to “watch” and so encouraging. Thanks for sharing your journey. “He’s BEHIND me, supporting, loving, caring, watching out for me.” He’s got your back! That is such a great truth…and feels great when we really grab hold of it!!


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