Posted by: zephaniah317 | June 2, 2007

Performance/Conditions/Marriage/Divorce, Part II

So here I am.  Divorced.  Looking back at my life.  Hmph.  Not a lot of close relationships.  Not a lot of girlfiends.  I didn’t go out on a date ‘til I was in college.  Just couldn’t get one.  Just didn’t happen.  I tried, but believe me, I give all those high school girls a little credit.  I was pretty doggone needy back then.  Still am some days.  Not real attractive, especially to high school girls.

Then, I think, hey, there were girls that wanted to go out with me, but I turned them down.  Why?  Not pretty enough?  Sometimes.  OK, I’ll take responsibility for that one.  Immaturity.  Got it.  Then, the other day, it hit me:  I just didn’t understand.  I thought love was about performing and meeting conditions that another person put on you.  I just couldn’t comprehend why someone would like me without me doing anything, changing, performing, meeting those conditions.  Like me for who I am.  Love me for who I am.  So when it did happen, I shoved them away.  I called it “liking a challenge”, but what it really meant was, “that’s not love – I’m not having to do anything.”  If they were actually chasing me, it didn’t feel right.

So, it makes perfect sense that I would marry someone who would put those conditions on me, make me chase after her for acceptance.  Who didn’t love herself (God bless her).  Who would only love me when I did this, or that (or stopped doing this or that).

So now, I have this little flame inside of me.  I know what love is.  It actually relaxes me from time to time.  I’m me.  Doesn’t mean I need to change, need to fix some attitudes in my life, love people more.  But God loves me right where I am.  And if I never changed for the rest of my life, He’d still love me.  He’d still be waiting on me when I pass on.

And, that’s what love is.  Unconditional.  It’s meant to be received as much as it is given.  Not chased after.  Not performed for.  It means I’m home.  It feels like home wherever I am.  No rush.  No hurry.  A kind of controlled excitement.  And I’m learning to know it when I see it, and even give it once in a while.  🙂

Cool.

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Responses

  1. Well It sounds to me like you now have the chorus to the song you mentioned in your HOPE blog…..I don’t know you closely only see you when your singing and playing your heart out to God but through some of the stuff you have wrote you really seem like a sweet man and I hope you are able to trust and find another special someone to share unconditional love with….

  2. very cool.

  3. Thanks for the encouragement, PL and IL. 🙂

  4. Here is a thought I have been pondering that sort of goes along with what you were saying. I am wondering if all of these wounds/struggles we have in our lives go back to something or someone in our life (or maybe it was just society) who told us we weren’t good enough.
    I think to myself if I believed that God loved me as much as he says he does I wouldn’t worry about my life so much. I would believe he has it all worked out. The same chorus of words wouldn’t keep going through my head .. IF only I were good enough I would have the life I desire…The truth is I am good enough, because he made it possible. Now if only we believed that…

  5. If it’s any encouragment at all….I feel loved quite unconditionaly by you (In a guy to guy, friend to friend sort of way!) Keep on moving forward bud, you’re growing in ways God hasen’t even revealed to you yet…. Thanks.

  6. Sunshine,
    Thanks for the comment. A friend described it this way the other day: Our belief is like an aperture in a camera lens. The more of the truth we believe, the more God works in our lives. But I agree, it’s dang hard sometimes.

    BA,
    Thanks for the encouragement. I needed that.

  7. Psalm 131:2 (The Message)

    2 I’ve kept my feet on the ground,
    I’ve cultivated a quiet heart.
    Like a baby content in its mother’s arms,
    my soul is a baby content.

    people like you and me need to tatoo this verse to the inside of our eyelids. : )

    praying for a quiet and restful heart for you…


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