Posted by: zephaniah317 | July 31, 2007

Growing Up

childwarrior.jpg

There’s a big difference between knowing things…knowing yourself, learning the truth about you, your past, your wounds, etc. and living under them.  I realized over the weekend where my next step of growth is:  Getting rid of all the guilt, shame, and condemnation I feel, have felt, have lived with for a long time.

Yes, I had a rough upbringing with the sheltering mom and emotionally messed-up dad.  Yes, I bought into a lot of the lies of “religion” and performance-based relationship, believing it was love.  Yes, I was in bondage to pornography for a long time, trying to heal or medicate the wounds on my own.  Yes, I’ve been through a messed-up marriage and divorce.

So at what point do I accept these facts, accept responsibility for my life, stop complaining to God about them, and count more on Him to change me?  Well…today!

I can’t really put it into words, but I believe that God has shown me something, so I’ll try.  First of all, to anyone who’s been reading my blog lately, thanks for putting up with a lot of “discoveries” lately.  I’ve been focusing on a lot of what’s “wrong” with me over the past few weeks/months.  And while I believe it was healthy from a “get it out there” standpoint and understand myself better, I believe it’s time to move on.  Basically, I think God’s saying to me, “it’s time to accept that all that stuff happened, realize that I still love you just as much as I did the day I had you in my mind before the creation of the world, much less the day you were born, and move on.”  I guess I can best sum up these thoughts and feelings as, “wait a second…grown men – or at least healthy, mature, grown men – don’t behave this way.  Why am I?  What was I thinking?”

I don’t think I’ve been living in self-pity much.  I definitely have learned to work out things on my own that before I would go pleading to others about, and I believe that’s healthy.  People, I believe, are there to go through stuff with you, not necessarily to provide all the answers.  There’s been a big part of me that’s had to “suck it up” and work things out with God’s help, and I’ve matured as a result (I hope).

The interesting thing about this growth spurt is the fear that grips me every time I approach “the wall”, or the place where my faith has to grow.  I definitely believe there’s a spiritual warfare element to that.  And I won’t overcome everything overnight, or anything on my own.

But, I’m not going to grow if I just sit around and wait to grow.  Gotta get in the game.  Every day.  Without hesitation.  I need community.  I need to help people in whatever capacity God sees fit to use me.  We’re at war, remember?

Suffice it to say, I feel a lot “bigger” and more “free” today than I have in a long time, even if I can’t qualify those feelings as “good”, necessarily.  Thanks again, Dad.

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Responses

  1. Hi ya….well first off I was curious is this picture of the little boy..YOU ???… very cute either way…uuummmm 2 quotes came to me…one is some people are like undeveloped film…they remain in the negative and never get to the proof….I think you have made it to the proof and your working and growing to reach that point where you are at peace with your life….that is super..!!!and the last quote was God does not intend for us to have to prove our worth…He wants us simply to know our worth….!!

  2. Hi, PL-
    Thanks for the comments. Very good quotes. I’ve definitely been living in the negative…And, the picture is NOT me. 🙂

  3. I totally relate to the feeling of always being negative about yourself. I know I do it…not sure how to get out of it! I do think it’s another tool of Satan to keep us bogged down in it at some point. God has to take us to see the junk we’ve got, but Satan wants us to live in it. And thanks for being so encouraging, Zeph!

  4. powerful post. i always enjoy your self discovery posts. i guess i just relate.
    i have been struggling with worth lately. trying to figure out how and where and why i fit and dont fit. & the biggest of all, recently, is feeling disqualified.

    i wrote in my paper journal last week about making assumptions. …usually that has a negative connotation…but i realized that there are some things the Bible tells me about myself. While I dont see evidence of the things i know i fail at and stumble over… its a pretty safe assumption to believe it is still true and start acting out of that assumption instead of my pain and shame and fear.

    We need to make some assumptions in Him.

    ryc: i am having a hard time finishing…nothing really happened, it took eight hours to get the car back…i talked with a Catholic man from Egypt. I told him my theory on the relationship between freedom/legalism and sin. He argued for legalism…sat at my table for over an hour… haha. it was a trip. I guess we both left with some things to think about.

    the thing about it is that i dont know how to write it. our conversation was great, but it doesnt fit with the beginning of the story…and not sharing what was said seems to be a disservice to the writing. i just havent known what to do from there.

    ut oh! i left a novel in your comment box. sry!

  5. […] my upbringing; I know my parents had/have a lot of fear in them.  Anyway, time to stop analyzing, take responsibility for it and just take care of […]


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