Posted by: zephaniah317 | September 15, 2007

Cravings and Patience

I’ve been walking these streets at night
Just trying to get it right
It’s hard to see with so many around
You know I don’t like being stuck in a crowd
And the streets don’t change but maybe the name
I ain’t got time for the game
‘Cause I need you
Yeah, yeah well I need you
Oh, I need you
Whoa, I need you
Ooh, this ti- me….

Patience, Guns ‘N Roses

(always liked that last tag of the song…just thought I’d put it here)

Well, work’s been a drag, not much to do.  That’s the boredom part, which has, if I’m totally objective about the past month and a half, been a major contributor to the main issue I’m working through right now.  Sometimes it’s good to be busy.

I’ve realized how much I crave human acceptance.  It’s my addiction, which, as most of you know, took the form of pornography for many years.

It all came to a head Wednesday night, at leadership training at my church.  It was very difficult to “tell my story” in front of a room full of strangers and acquaintances.  Why?  Because the flip side of approval addiction is fear of rejection.  And it was in full force at that meeting.  Even though I shared that I have trouble feeling God’s acceptance of me (the “Chase”, as I have come to call it), the acceptance I wanted right then was those folks right there in the room.

Now, friends have said, “well, it’s OK, it’s hard for anyone to share their testimony.”  Well, it shouldn’t be that hard.  And I realized that (a) I’m not trusting Jesus’ blood enough for my past sins, and (b) I crave everyone’s acceptance in whatever situation and environment I find myself in.

Also, in the past two weeks, I’ve also realized that I’ve used this blog to satisfy cravings for people’s acceptance in their comments, and even in how I perceive they will react when they read my rantings and ravings.  Now, it’s not all bad, this has been a great place for me to be vulnerable and really get some stuff out there that God is trying to work in me, so I’m thankful for that.  And, in me being vulnerable, I’m actually fighting the urge to gain human acceptance by airing my “dirty laundry” from time to time.  But, suffice it to say, some posts have been written with a large dose of “wow, they’ll think I’m cool if I say this” mentality.  And, I’m sorry for that.  All posts from this point on will be 100% authentic.  Just don’t be surprised if the volume decreases significantly for a while.

Now the patience part:  I’m single again (duh…yeah, N, since May).  And there’s a battle going on inside:  one side says, “yea, I’m single again!”; the other, “holy crap!  I’m single again!”  And in that, a third voice, mostly my flesh, probably the enemy, too:  “You know, there’s no feeling quite like when a woman shows affection for you.”  As I mentioned in a previous post, that’s my contribution to the brutality women have endured over the ages from men and the enemy:  making relationships more about getting my emotional needs met (through physical means) than meeting another’s emotional needs.

And, yes, from time to time, I’ve used my musical ability to gain this human acceptance, as well, rather than wholly using it to praise the One who gave me the ability in the first place.  There, I said it.

So, even though I’ve learned a lot the past four years and counting, it would seem that a (or the) root issue that God is trying to get at still needs to be wrestled to the ground and pinned.  It clouds my thinking, does NOT bring any peace, only a craving for more, and basically is sin against God (which is what sin does, right?  Brings a craving for more).

Is God enough?  Yes.  ‘Nuff said.  Living it out?  A harder thing to do than just saying it.  But, in truth, God’s acceptance and love is SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL than anything any human can offer me.  But it’s something I already possess as His child.  I think there’s a definite attraction in my flesh to going out and getting the acceptance for myself rather than resting in His acceptance and love which I already possess.  I need to sit and marinate on that one.

Anyway…I need patience.  And quiet.  And to read my Bible a LOT more.  So I’m going to do that.

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Responses

  1. I am not afraid of what you write, but I will say this. Don’t ever just write things to please people as I think it kills a part of us when we write or say what we “think” other people want us to do. I only want to hear from you and I know that you put yourself out there in some of your blogs and that is cool. I guess what I am saying is only put who you are on this blog and what you believe even if others may not believe the way you do. I say this as an encouragement. 🙂 You rock!

  2. Thanks, LOLA. You hit it on the head. I think I know who I am and want to say most of the time, but it gets lost in fear as it travels to my fingertips.

  3. from one approval addict to another (we need our own form of AA, i think) I hear you and understand your struggle. Keep pressing on! And, I love that song (even the whistling!)

    This verse is on my mirror right now (from PJ’s sermon last week), talking about the Pharisees and hyprocrites) John 12:42-43 “…WHEN PUSH CAME TO SHOVE THEY CARED MORE FOR HUMAN APPROVAL THAN FOR GOD’S…”

  4. i am glad you write.

    ryc: it was a funeral.


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