Posted by: zephaniah317 | September 26, 2007

Internal

I’ve been talking to myself internally a lot, lately.  And praying a lot as I wander the halls at work, uneasy.  Restless.  I know change is happening, and I’m fully ready for it to be friggin’ overwith.

I am becoming something new, something I have not been before.  Something – someone – more mature than I have ever been.  Free of doubt, worry, and fear.  And I’m ready for the process to be overwith, because it’s the growing pains of a 12 year old in a 38 year-old body.  To say it feels a little weird is like saying the Pope’s a little Catholic.  And, I know this process will never end.

To finally have moments where my mind is quiet and not running in circles has been the best feeling, the best sense of peace I have ever known, only to have it slip away in the hustle and bustle of daily life, only to grasp for it again and again, trying to re-create the situation in my mind where it first occurred, knowing that it will never re-appear for the sole reason that my motivation is to simply feel good, not to be close to God and let Him be my peace.

And then there’s my approval addiction.  There’s this gig that my band, InsideOut, is playing at in a little over a week.  It’s for my job – my day job.  11 bands, one night.  We go on at 9:00 pm.  We’re doing 7, maybe 6 songs.  And I daydream about it constantly.  Me, on the stage with some of my closest friends, playing songs that worship my Creator, yet in my mind, and because it is all in my mind, using these images to glorify myself and attain perceived approval from the crowd.

And it disgusts me.

I try several things to dissuade the feelings, to make myself “right” with God, to love my Creator, my Father, instead of grab all of this for myself:

“But, Father, I’ll use it to worship You!”

Nope.

“Lord, may someone there that night come to know You through our music.”

Nuh-uh. 

“It’s OK, we need to be joyous when worshipping…who cares if they notice you?  They’ll finally see you for who you really are!  A Christian! – wait, I don’t want them to see me…”

Nuthin’.

“I brought you into this world and gave you this talent, and I can take you out.”

Whoa…there it is.

He…made me.  Never hit me like that before.  Gave me this voice, this brain to process music, these fingers to make it, these lungs to force it out good and loud.  All I got from my parents was the bad stuff, the physical, the fear, the worry, the sin.  He…made…me.  He has a purpose for me.  He has a plan for me.  And I’m right smack dab in the middle of it.  I haven’t blown it.  He’s been chasing after me for years.  And now, I know what I was made to do.  I know there’s a spiritual gift of exhortation in there, somewhere, and a desire to use music to that end.

And all of this is in direct opposition to everything I learned from my parents.  Useless.  Worthless.  Made to serve us and make sure we look good.  Your life should go in this direction.  You have a great mind, use it to keep yourself safe and sheltered, forget your heart.

Oh, not in those words, but the message has been loud and clear for 30 years.

Insanity is to wake up each morning with the feeling and belief that you’re inadequate and that you have to make some changes to yourself today to be acceptable.  And believing that by focusing on yourself, you can make those changes.  And also believing that you have to make those changes without anyone noticing, because you have to keep up the age-old religious occupation of “image management,” in the midst of all this insanity.

No more.  And the key is to focus outside myself, on others, not on me.  There’s nothing wrong with me.  Thank God.  Thanks, Father, again.  Keep me moving.  Lift my eyes to see you and others, see this war that goes on every day right in front of us.  Make my mind a steel trap, free of deception and addiction.  And yes, make these upcoming gigs peaceful for me, but help me keep having fun from being the goal.  Thank You for Your peace that passes all understanding.

“Hmph…excitement…adventure…a Jedi craves not these things…”

-Yoda

…and I don’t either. Desire, yes. Crave, no. Big difference.

More to come…

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Responses

  1. […] was really struggling today with my previous post.  And again, all the feelings that come with a flesh that craves the spotlight and the glory and […]


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