Posted by: zephaniah317 | March 27, 2008

Sinking In

Good Friday and Easter were very…well, provoking and meaningful for me this year.  I’ve been conversing with livingpalm and her hubby a bit over the last week.  Basically, I was very aware of the fact that I really didn’t feel much remorse on Good Friday for my sin and how Jesus had to die for it in order to save me and bring me into relationship with Him and His Father.  This really concerned me.  And then, God spoke.  How can I feel remorse and accept Jesus’ gift if I’m still trying to gain God’s acceptance?  I put my thoughts about my struggle together pretty well during an email today,  here’s the excerpt:

“I think that my major problem is that (a) I believe that I can still gain acceptance, or MORE acceptance, by performing and “cleaning up my life”, and that (b) I believe subconsciously that I don’t have flesh to worry about, that I can actually acheive perfection somedays (whoa…talk about demented).  These things are getting easier to admit.  It’s quite amazing, really, to find peace in my soul when I stop trying to “polish it up” for God.  In effect, going from a place of finding peace only if I’m unblemished (without Christ’s sacrifice) to a place of finding peace by finding and realizing and living in the fact that I’m a mess (and that Christ’s sacrifice is everything).  This is what’s still sinking in. That even if I never committed another sin, and didn’t know God, I still wouldn’t go to be with Him when I die, because of my flesh.  Quite the paradox:  God loves me regardless, but I can’t get rid of the part of me (flesh) that keeps me from communion with Him, nor can I earn or gain His love.  I’m basically along for the ride, regardless of what I believe; it has everything to do with Him and what HE’s done, and NOTHING to do with what I’ve done.”

But isn’t that the basis of sin in the first place?  Trying to do it all ourselves?  Taking control and giving God none?

Why am I like this?  Well, first, I’m human.  But also, a couple of lights went when I blew it on a Monday evening a few weeks ago.  Let’s just say that my thought life wasn’t what it should have been for a few minutes.  I found myself consumed with fear for a day and a half.  Until, finally, I realized I was cowering in fear of God, humans, anyone that I believed wouldn’t look upon my sin kindly.  Not the respect kind, but the morbid, fearing for your life, eternal death, please don’t kill me kind.  I won’t go into detail, but it’s from my earthly father.  ‘Nuff said.  And I’ve transferred it over to God over the years.  Only God is nothing like that.  That’s what Jesus death prevents and saves us from and brings us into communion with Him.  That’s what I’m still learning, down deep anyway.  And it’s that fear that’s the fuel for all of this drivenness to be perfect.

Another thought that keeps sinking in is, I belong.  Not because I’m good looking (hah!), smart, have nice clothes, good job, say all the right things, or because I’m nice to people, or because I’ve been free from porn for going on five years, or because I go to church, or because I’m a moral person, any of that.  I actually belong in the human race for the same reason everyone else does.  My flesh.  Everyone’s got that, and there’s no getting rid of it.  It doesn’t mean I have to live in it, but there’s no killing it, no hiding it, no polishing it to make it look better.  It’s God’s love that conquers the flesh, brings it into submission, but, again, doesn’t get rid of it.  If we/I could kill it, get rid of it, then Jesus’ sacrifice is in vain.  (hey, isn’t that a scripture somewhere?)  🙂

More to come…


  1. Hi 🙂
    Took a walk…found your blog…stayed awhile. Have really enjoyed my visit. Spent some time learning a little bit about you through your entries…seems we have a few things in common.
    Thanks for the encouragement today! 🙂
    Joy in the journey…

  2. “…flesh. Everyone’s got that, and there’s no getting rid of it. It doesn’t mean I have to live in it, but there’s no killing it, no hiding it, no polishing it to make it look better. It’s God’s love that conquers the flesh….” Well said. I wrestle with this a lot too. Some days all I can do is try to embrace the mystery of His unconditional, irrational love.

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