Posted by: zephaniah317 | April 19, 2008

It’s OK

There have been more revelations in the past weeks of what I’ve missed in my life.  More parental mistakes discovered, more mishandling of my wounds understood.  God is definitely working, and I’m thankful.  I just felt that blogging about them all would be…well…petty.  My parents did the best they could, and my ex-wife was far too wounded to be able to act on anything but that wound and that pain.  This is not making excuses for them, just realizing that hurt people hurt people.

The bigger revelation was God pointing out that I felt ashamed about all of it.  Most of my life.  Like it wasn’t supposed to happen to ME.  Not ME.  I’m too…what’s the word?…good?…to be involved in heartache, pain, addiction, all of that.  It’s like I was taught growing up that it’s, well, shameful (!) to have bad things happen to you.  And, worse yet, being taught that people should be ashamed for letting those bad things in life happen to them, or being involved in drugs or alcohol or umarried sex or any of that.

So God, in His wisdom, has simply being saying to me over and over again:  “It’s OK.”  “I can handle it.”  “It doesn’t matter.”  “Learn from the mistakes.”  “I love you so much, anyway.”  “It’s not shameful.  It’s life.  It’s learning how to live, how to truly live and breathe from the heart that’s inside you, and it’s impossible to learn unless you make mistakes.  Nobody gets it right the first time.”

I’ve said it many times in this blog, but it’s finally hitting home.  Home…a song by Daughtry that InsideOut has added to our song pool lately, although it sounds like all of the other songs on his album (my only criticism – I really liked him on “Idol”), the lyrics hit home with me (no pun intended) in the past week:

The miles are getting longer, it seems,
The closer I get to you.
I’ve not always been the best man or friend for you.
But your love, remains true.
And I don’t know why.
You always seem to give me another try.

There it is.  That’s it.  He always gives me another try.  A second, third, fourth, 50th, 1,738th chance.  The well doesn’t have a bottom.  His love doesn’t run out.  When I’m repentant, when I’m ready to try again, He’s behind me encouraging me, and in front of me leading me.  I think that’s why I’ve been “stuck” for so long.

My folks and my ex never gave me a first chance.  There was nothing I could’ve done to gain their approval of me, mainly because they didn’t love themselves or know that God loved them.

But it’s OK.  Stuff happens.  Jesus has done everything necessary to gain God’s approval, and He always gives more chances to grow…NOT “get it right”, just…grow.

And that’s the lesson for this season.  My past, my hurts, my mistakes, they’re all part of life.  It’s OK.  God’s bigger.  His love is bigger.  He’s always waiting, watching, pursuing me.  And I love Him.  He’s the best Dad I’ve ever had, and ever will.  And I’m glad to have Him and call Him my Father.

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Responses

  1. There are lots of things I would say to this, but they’re all wrapped up in the Jars of Clay lyrics below. I don’t think I could say it much better.

    Redemption

    We made it to a strange town
    Going down the wrong road
    Like any story retold
    Couldn’t find a common ending
    We’re way gone, be gone, looking for our own way

    We needed a distraction
    You said you were redemption

    We knew it as a wrong turn
    We couldn’t know the things we’d gain
    When we reach the other border
    We look out way down past the road we came from

    We’re looking at redemption
    It was hidden in the landscape
    Of loss and love and fire and rain
    Never would come this way
    Looking for redemption

    We were looking out past the road we came from

    Looking at redemption
    Hidden in the landscape
    Of loss and love and fire and rain
    Never would have come this way
    Looking for redemption
    In the eyes of sorrow, eyes of rage
    What a sordid histories they played
    The drama of redemption
    Redemption


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