Posted by: zephaniah317 | April 21, 2008

Quiet…Pain

Life has quieted down lately.  Too much.  The last two nights, I have decided there was nothing on TV (shocker), and decided to be still and listen to my Dad.  My “new” Dad as I’m learning to call Him.  The Dad I’ve always had.  (hmph…rhymes even)  The Dad that’s always been there and knows that without a doubt that I need to learn to relax and be still.  No Bible study, no self-help books or amazing Ted Dekker stories, just sit and get still and listen.

And man, is this hard.  Wanna know why?  Because every time I get quiet, I realize how much pain I’m in, and how stressed out I am striving each day to acquire love and acceptance in order to neutralize the pain.  Yes, it’s true, America, Zeph hurts.  I know I’m shattering images people have of me with this post.  😉

These wounds have been swirling around in my gut for quite some time; if you’ve read my blog, you know them.  ‘Nuff said.  How can my new Dad heal me of these wounds if I never acknowledged their existence?  Hell, for that matter, I haven’t even known that these programmings and pain weren’t normal!  The human body and mind and soul can take quite a beating, it would seem, and still be able to function semi-normally, when crap is “seen” as “normal”.

I’ve been asked at least a half-dozen times at work in the last week, “hey, Neil, you OK?  You look…” <insert “sober”, “weary”, “tired”, etc. here>.  I guess I’ll just have to live with it and stop saying, “I’m just tired” and start saying, “I’m working through some stuff” or something.  Can’t people just let me hurt once in a while?  Or, is that a statement of how cheerful I normally am, or even can genuinely be at times?  Let’s go with the latter.  It’s more positive, sheds a better outlook on things.  Or, hey, maybe they’re genuinely concerned.  I guess that’s possible, I’m just having trouble seeing it through the grid lately.

Even with all that, it’s still good.  At least I’m not thinking and believing that I’m worthless and an irreparable screw-up anymore.  I realize that I’m loved dearly, and there’s a lot of stuff that isn’t my fault, and I’m just hurting, and it’s OK to hurt, etc.  Dad knows what He’s doing.

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