Posted by: zephaniah317 | April 22, 2008

Insert Quarter Here…

It’s troubling/amazing/funny what I do when hurt enters into my life, or when I’m dealing with past hurts.  First thing is to turn to my flesh; take control of the situation, do something – anything – to get rid of the pain.  In the past, it was porn or a relationship.  Then it was people/my friends, as in the unhealthy needing of them and putting burdens on them that they were never meant to bear.  Or just looking to them for answers that will bring an end to the hurt inside.  Again, people aren’t wired to provide that.

As I’ve grown, I’ve learned that (duh) God is the only place to turn.  He’s the only One that can even begin to come close to providing healing.  But even in that, there’s an unhealthy and useless exercise that can arise.  In asking for healing, or simply to take the pain away, what am I really asking for?  Feelings?  Emotional healing?  Is God going to give me that?  Nope.

“What?” you may be asking.  “Doesn’t God love us and want us to turn to Him always for healing?”  Well, yes.  And no.  He wants relationship with us.  Period.  Peace is a by-product, a fruit, of our relationship with Him.  He’s not a heavenly gumball machine that goes around dispensing peace and love and all that.  All of that stuff happens naturally when we’re in deep communion and relationship with Him.  That’s the last step that I miss sometimes.  I want the fruit, the quick fix – so I can get on with life – but not the relationship.  How’s that fair?  I mean, the guy DIED for me, for cryin’ out loud, and I still want all of the benefits and none of the “work” (is that the right word?) of being in relationship with Him.  How can I “get on with my life” without Him anyway?  It’s just not going to “work”.

The best part?  He knows this.  In fact, honestly, I think I’ve blogged about this before.  He knows that too.  He’s a lot more patient with me than I am.  I wonder sometimes if I’m going in cycles for months at a time, coming back to the same conclusions.  And there He is, telling me the same things again and getting me back on track.  Hopefully, I’m continuing to grow somewhere in all this running around.



  1. It would seem from what you share here that you are growing. Just keep, even in all your “running around”, going back to the quiet listening like in your previous post.

    Praying His blessing and love for you will be felt in some tangible ways today.

  2. sounds like you’re accepting that cinder block on your back instead of trying to wriggle out from underneath it, huh? yep – me, too.
    love you…

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