Posted by: zephaniah317 | October 7, 2014

Discouragement

I’m discouraged. I have been for a while. My relationship with God has not grown during this time, which probably spans a year or more. My daily time with Him has diminished to a few prayers and some reading a couple of times a week, at the most. I have let the circumstances of my life, while not crushing or huge in their magnitude, reduce me. I am not, in this season of life, who I am meant to be. I am not the warrior that I hope to be, as stated in the title of this blog.

It’s the little things. Relationships. Communication (lack thereof, or the wrong way, or misunderstanding); God has thwarted my plans to get everything on my own (including companionship) consistently. I have no need to get married. It is simply a want at this point in life. It is more along the lines of wanting someone of the oppposite sex to hang out with regularly, to learn about, to go on road trips, and the like. But God has thwarted me. He wants me. He is jealous. I thank Him for protecting me and loving me and wanting me like that. But I am hesitant.

Ever since my mother was diagnosed with cancer, and eventually died from it, and while my dad finished his journey of checking out emotionally during that time, I’ve had this. “I’ve got this” has been my unspoken mantra. Because there was no one else to help. Looking back, God blessed me with His protection and sustenance and faithfulness countless times. But it is hard for me to let HIM “get this”. I have become very good at it in these 45 years on earth I have lived.

But my discouragement runs deeper. After my marriage and divorce, He brought new life and understanding to me. I believed and still do that we are no longer identified as “sinners”, but saints who sin. I read today in a book by Erwin McManus and posted the excerpt on facebook…”other religions deal with SINS. Christianity deals with SIN.” Our debt has been paid. I may be splitting hairs with semantics, but “sinner” is not how I define myself. I am a child of God. I am His. Our hearts are GOOD. Just read “Waking the Dead” by John Eldredge. I dare you. He uses references in scripture to back this claim. This does not mean that we don’t make mistakes. Or lead a sin-free life. But we are not defined by Jeremiah 17:9 (“the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?”). We are defined by Ezekiel 36:26-27 (“And I will give you a new heart…and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh”). We can be a force for good in this world. To show the love of God and Jesus to all.

And thus my discouragement. We have stumbled into a faith that is defined by Jer. 17:9 and that deals with sins instead of defined by Ez. 36:26-27 and a relationship that deals with sin. I remember putting some pieces together one Sunday morning about a year ago or so. God cannot tolerate sin. He hates it. Sin, by definition, is separation from God, a rebellion on our part. Therefore, He hates to be separated from us. But oh, how I have been beaten down by what I see all around me, not in the secular, but in the Christian world. One that believes that we are full of sin and that we are “sinners saved by Grace”. I have all but given up trying to propagate any kind of rebuttal to this.

I realize that this might all be splitting hairs and semantics, as I said before, but I can see it in the lives of believers, sometimes at least. How and when will we wake up? How will God restore my hope? My belief has not wavered, but, as I said at the beginning, I am discouraged.

I mean, even Yoda knows some of this (yes, yes, the Force is not God and all that)!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_QcRPNfUuE

“Illuminous beings are we, not this crude matter!”
“I don’t believe it!” “and that…is why you fail.”
“I can’t. It’s too big!” “Size matters not. Looke at me! Judge me by my size, do you not?”
“You must unlearn, what you have learned.”
And the favorite…”Try not! Do or do not. There is no try.”

God, just…help. I’m not dying, I’m not in danger, I’m not desperate. But just help.

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Responses

  1. He will come. Not sure when, but He will come. One thing is sure… He has not moved. It is always us who have moved. But in His grace, He will come find us. One time I told Him… God, I am hiding from you. Just come find me. I am too discouraged to even go look for You.

  2. Thank you Lisette. Well said, and true. He listens to us rant, no matter what form it takes. :o)


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